In life I try to blend into the background. Don’t want anyone to make a fuss. Just want to get on with my work. That doesn’t always work, I have to say. Not only do I say things out louder than I’d intended, which draws the attention right onto me, I also bump into things because I can be a bit clumsy. Growing up, I was very shy and blushed at anything at everything. I still tend to blush but I’m not as shy as I was.
Why am I like it? I’ve never been the most confident person I can think of, in fact I am quite the opposite. My parents used to say,‘Speak when you’re spoken to!’ or ‘Children should be seen and not heard!’ which I always obeyed, but now realise it was the wrong way to treat a child. My childhood affected me more than I’d ever thought if my lack of confidence is to show for it. (I have started writing about my childhood, as a way of therapy I guess).
Anyway, I have just noticed that I’ve started to write sad stuff and if there’s one thing that I don’t like, it’s being miserable and making others feel sad so I won’t dwell on my past. Carry on reading…
So, where was I, yes I was saying that I like to stay unnoticed. I don’t intentionally go out of my way to stay out of the limelight though, sometimes I have to be at the front of the classroom taking a lesson but that’s OK. It’s my job and I’m well prepared for that. As long as I know what I’m teaching, or doing beforehand then I’m fine.
It’s times when I’m caught unaware that I turn to jelly. It’s ridiculous really because it’s not as if I’m ‘stupid’ or lacking in communication skills but if I have to get up in front of a crowd and say something, like my name for instance, I just freeze. I would be no good at those meetings where you have to introduce yourself and say what’s wrong with you. Unless it was a meeting about having no confidence. I guess everyone would just sit there and not say a word. Good meeting.
Don’t get me wrong I do try to be more confident and there are times when I can be ‘over the top’ (usually after a few drinks, though). I also find it easy (ish) being on stage. I’ve had starring roles in school plays when I was younger and in our school performances at Christmas. I suppose the reason I can do that so easily is because I have a script to follow, it’s like hiding behind the character I’m playing. I also like to do karaoke with my friends and family. You should see me, I dance and everything!
At the time I’m seen as someone who would do anything to get noticed. That’s not so because, believe me, I have to force myself to do it. I never want people to see me as a miserable old cow because I’m such a jolly person deep down. Anyone who knows me knows that too. It doesn’t matter how bad I have felt I’ve always put on a brave face for my friends and family.
One way I have found to overcome my problems is to write. I think an awful lot, usually random things but that’s me. My thoughts can be translated into words and be written wherever I choose. (You poor people, I’ve chosen to write them here). Whether I have an audience or not, it doesn’t matter. At least I have a way of tidying up my brain cells. I know, that doesn’t make sense… but these are my thoughts I’m talking about.
I’ve recommended writing as a therapy to a few people I know. I have to add that I am not a doctor so do seek help from a professional if you need proper help. Writing down bad dreams or nightmares often helps me to sort out my thoughts. Apart from writing, the only other things that keep me sane are, my family, my friends, listening to music and reading.